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<title>Life is but a dream for the dead (and well I, I won't go down by myself) by bennybentacles</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26439640">Life is but a dream for the dead (and well I, I won't go down by myself)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bennybentacles/pseuds/bennybentacles'>bennybentacles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>bad things happen bingo [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ben Hargreeves Lives, Blood and Violence, Dark Vanya Hargreeves, Gen, Hurt Vanya Hargreeves, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Not Canon Compliant, i cant believe that is not an existing tag, metions of killing, this fic is uhmmm i dont actually know how to explain this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:01:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,108</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26439640</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bennybentacles/pseuds/bennybentacles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>If Vanya knew she had to do <em>all of this<em> to finally get her father's attention, she would've done it way sooner </em></em></p><p> </p><p>  <em></em><br/>    <em>//<br/>prompt filled: jealousy/envy</em><br/>  </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Vanya Hargreeves &amp; Everyone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>bad things happen bingo [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913851</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Bad Things Happen Bingo</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Life is but a dream for the dead (and well I, I won't go down by myself)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>okay so there is a brief mention of self harm here so beware everyone.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>she had always felt jealousy deep beneath her belly. ever since she was younger she felt it gnawing throughout her entire body, eating her up as she watched their father lavish her siblings with attention that she so <em>desperately</em> craves. </p><p>she watched as her father smiled at her siblings, watches as her father lean in and whisper out compliments into her siblings ears and her siblings would then look down, as if denying the compliments that went past their ears.<em> i want the compliments,</em> she had always wanted to shout. she wanted to march down infront of her father and demand praises too. because she had done something good to. she could be worthy of her father's compliments too</p><p>she watched as her siblings raced their way to the top of the stairs and she had wanted to be a part of that too, their games that they hated but why do they even hate it? at least the have a time to play games unlike her who was stuck in her stupid spot with her stupid stopwatch timing her stupid siblings. why can't she play too?</p><p>she had watched as her siblings got a tattoo on their birthday, a gift from her father, <em>why isn't she included?</em> it is her birthday too, did her father forget that it is her birthday too? she can only do nothing but to grip the banister tight, her hands clenched tight on the wood, eyes lighting up as she let her anger wash over her. how can her father do this to her? it is her birthday too, why can't her father give her a present too? she wants a present too</p><p>later that night, she drew on their fathers insignia on her own skin, using the moon as her light. she gripped her marker tight on her hands as she painstakingly drew an umbrella on her skin, lips stretched in a mockery of a smile. would her father approve of her work? she surely hopes so because her father is proud of many of her siblings' achievement and she finally has one too. </p><p>after she is finish etching her work on her arms, she looked towards the moon, her lips still stretched wide as she gripped on the knife she stole from her brother. <em>would my father be proud of me for this,</em> she asked,her voice dripping down poison as she laid the tip of the knife towards her skin. <em>are my siblings this brave?</em> she asked, her hands carving out her skin, marking her too. she just wanted to belong, why can't her father let her be with her siblings?</p><p>she had listened behind closed doors as her father told her siblings about one of their new nemesis. she listened as their father praised her siblings' enemy, calling them an enigma, telling her siblings on how their enemy would kill all of them and that how her siblings should be wary. her eyes glinted as she listened to her father describe the enemy. her father had the audacity to compliment murderers when he can't even compliment her daughter? how could he? how dare he?</p><p>she laughed manically as she formulated her plan nights later. her father wouldn't compliment her, wouldn't look at her, wouldn't acknowledge her existent, wouldn't let her be a superhero so she had no other choice but to force him. she looked at the moon as she planned on how she would defeat everybody inside that hotel that their father built, planned on how she would show herself to everybody, shove her existence into the cramped world and force everyone to acknowledge her</p><p>she grinned madly as she took one of her brothers knives again, its tip pointed on her mark, a crude version of her fathers insignia, and she slashed, a cross across her scar, her own deranged version of a mark. she would show her father that she is way better that her siblings, and maybe her father would compliment her, maybe acknowledge her existence for once in her life.</p><p>"i did this for my father," she crooned, her hands holding a head no linger attached to a body as she stalked towards doctor terminal, the person who her father complimented all those years go, before she had run away with nothing but her brother's knife in her hands and the clothes in her back." blame my father for your death, "she whispered as she licked the side of his head, her hands letting go of the head that she is holding before she grinned and <em>stabbed</em>. </p><p><br/>
she danced around the dead bodies strewn along the hallways of hotel oblivion, her brother's knives in her hands. she looked at her reflection on one of the broken mirrors and wondered if her father ever praised her throughout the years that she had slowly killed every criminals that her siblings couldn't defeat.</p><p>she knew she is stronger than her siblings, knew that they wouldn't come even close to hear death count, know that she if finally better than everybody. she knew that her siblings wouldn't be able to do what she had done, wouldn't be able to sacrifice what she had sacrifice to be better that everybody. what does her father think about her this days? <em>where is her compliment now, father? </em></p><p>"white violin! you are surrounded" she knows that voice, how could she even forget that voice. that voice mocked her throughout her entire life, tried to trick her into believing that somebody loved her in their loveless home. she bared her teeth as she looked down on the bloodied floor, her hands gripping her knives tighter</p><p>"drop your weapons and put your hands in the air!" she can't believe it, him too? is this her father's present for her? is she finally having a present after all these goddamn years? she can't believe her father would finally relent. she should've done this sooner if she knew that would be her reward.</p><p>" i said drop your weapons" she had let a laugh at that. how dare they tell her what to do! this is her time to shine, she would show all of them that she is better than everyone. she wouldn't let this bastards look better, she is the best and she would show it</p><p>" aren't you the sweetest Diego" she murmured, loud enough that she is sure they all heard her. her hands gripped on her knife harder as she slowly lifted her head. </p><p>"is this my present?" she asked as she finally looked uo, seeing all of her siblings encircling her, trapping her in place. do they think they can keep her in? after what shes done do they think she could still be trapped in?</p><p>" what?—" and she grinned at that. is she making her father proud? she hopes he's watching because she is sure she looks the strongest among them at this moment, with all of her siblings suddenly looking shocked and helpless, unable to comprehend what they were seeing. what would her father say if she killed all of his soldiers today? </p><p>"why? expected somebody else?" she asked as she finally move, stalking towards her brother, her steps loud against the quiet hallway. "did you think i couldn't do this? " her eyes scanned everybody and she is not happy with what she saw. did they think that they are better than her? after all this time? after everyone that she killed with her own bare hands? how could they?</p><p><br/>
"did our father finally compliment me?" she asked as she slipped out of the circle that they made, her arms suddenly hooked on her brother's neck as she leaned in to her brother's ear "did he finally tell anybody that i am good?" and all around her, everybody suddenly tensed, waiting for her to do something</p><p>"tell me Luther because the last time somebody made me wait their eyes got skewered into a pole" she knew everyone knew what she was talking about. she remembers lurking in the dark as she watched her siblings look for the culprit of another crime that she did, and they never found out that she did it</p><p>"what did our father say?" her eyes zeroed on her brother Klaus, who had looked at her with wide eyes and  she grinned before letting go of Luther. she then made her way to her Klaus, her knives pointed in front of her. daring everyone to come near her.</p><p>"do you know what our father thinks of me?" her knife touched her brother's throat as she placed her hands on her brother's shoulder. "he- he thinks you're deranged" Klaus admitted and she let out a shocked laugh. is that a compliment? she don't think thats a compliment</p><p><br/>
"that is nor a compliment Klaus! what does our father think of me?" her hands gripped her knives tighter as she watched her siblings, all of them looking at her brother throat which she had already nicked, <em>oops</em>. "he thinks you are smart" her brother Ben interjected and she raises her brows at that. it that a compliment? she doesn't know </p><p><br/>
"what else?" she wants to know. what does her father think of her? is she finally worth it? did she make it? did she finally catch her father's attention? did her father finally acknowledge her existence. "he said you should stop this madness" </p><p>Allison must be losing her mind! she must just be jealous because she knows that no matter how much she tries she can't do what she did, wouldn't sacrifice what she sacrificed. wouldn't carve her own skin to make a caricature of their father's mark. "madness? you know what is madness?</p><p>"it would be mad if i were to kill one of the umbrella academy this time! maybe start with the sèance," her hands dug the knife on her brother's throat deeper while her siblings watch in muted horror as blood started flowing from Klaus' throat " it would be mad if i just shove my knife into Five! wouldn't our father like it?" a grin made its way to her lips as she stared at her brother, her favorite brother who she had left behind, another sacrifice for what she had gain.</p><p>"this is not you—Vanya no!" how dare everyone say who she is! they couldn't do that to her after they have cast her aside all this time. how could they try to dictate who she is if they haven't spared her any thought when all she wanted was to belong. her lips stretched into a mockery of a smile as she cut her brother's throat, deep until her brother went limp on her arms and she let go, eyes following her fallen sibling</p><p>it had been her mistake, as she did not see the tentacles suddenly rushing to her direction and she can only let out a choked sound as three of them pierced her body at the same time. she had looked up only to see her brother Diego throw to knives on her direction, both of them landing on her chest</p><p>blood slipped past her grinning lips as she suddenly lose her footing. her eyes shun with unshed tears as she looked at both her brothers, who in return are looking at her with guilt clear on their face</p><p>"tell me something- <em>tell me</em>- tell me did our father finally talked about me?" she begged, finally showing her weakness. she is going to die, she knows, just like how doctor terminal and Klaus died because of her. "did our father say that i am strong? </p><p>"did our father even say that you should be careful of me? did our father say that i could also kill one of his soldiers?" she asked, her voice mimicking her father's tone as tears finally sprung from her eyes.</p><p>"tell our father that i did this for him! tell our father that i wouldn't have done all of this if he just let me be with you! blame our father for what i have became!" and she finally lose her strength to even kneel down. she laid on the ground next to her dead brother, eyes staring at the bloodied floor beneath her</p><p><em>"i just wanted to belong"</em> she whispered, her breath stuttering. her vision blurred and she can only watch through glassy eyes as her brother, who she had thought she killed take a deep breath before coughing loudly. tears dropped from her eyes one last time before she closed it, and the last thing she heard before let the darkness take her is her brother Klaus shouting in horror. and nothing more</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>uhm so this happened. </p><p>the title is from You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison by My Chemical Romance if you are curious.</p><p>let me know what you think. im @bennybentacles on tumblr</p></blockquote></div></div>
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